what i want

some kind of sadness

some kind of sweet sadness

some kind of true sweetness

that has a taste that's sad

but doesn't hurt

to be in love like this

is to fear to not be in love like this

what kind of hell is this heaven

and i could say it's the blah blah this

or the blah blah that

but it's all i really want

for me or anyone

and i like to pretend that i have answers

because it keeps me upright most days

but all i really do is ride

and smash my chest against the sunset

it's enough to make you crazy

a love like this makes

nothing ordinary

makes living effortless

and if you fall out of love like this

enough times

you start to feel like a parolee

who just doesn't want to go back

i won't go back

and at the same time

there's this dread and futility

at the realization

that you can't really do anything

to make it stay

except ask

and so i have an interest in magic

which finds ways to do impossible things

and for the magician

i'm a slave, a puppet

and i'll wait

and i'll offer

and i'll empty every single fucking

activity on the table for you

because without a love like this

it's stupid

it's meaningless

it's agonizing

and it's slow death

this is my line in the sand

this is the hill i will die on

and in a sense it's a relief to have found it

if i cannot be it with wishing

i will cleave it with grieving

supplicant

hopeful

brave

fearless

resolute

determined

this is what i want